When I got pregnant with Beckett, I started to daydream about what he would look like, what he would be like. Once I hit that all important twelve-week mark, when everyone says you’re “in the clear”, I planned out his pinterest-worthy nursery, started to talk to friends about all the hand me downs they could give me, and started picking out baby names. I made plans for our future together. I never expected he would die before he got the chance to live.
Beckett was born weighing one pound, two ounces and was twelve inches long. He was so small that it was difficult to find anything to fit his tiny body. The gown they gave him at the hospital hung off his arms and legs, and he swam in the beautiful, knitted blanket. I wasn’t prepared for him to come so early, and I certainly wasn’t prepared for him to die, so I had nothing for him. Nor did I know that I would so desperately want things that were “his” after he was gone.
When we got home from the hospital, without our baby boy, a friend sewed a blanket that he could be swaddled in, and a matching one for us. Beckett was cremated in his blanket and I slept with mine every night for months after he was born, to fill my empty arms. It still sits in my bedside table.
I now have the unfortunate knowledge of “what I wish I had known before my baby died”. I wish I had more pictures; pictures of us together as a family and of every inch of his body. I wish I had let some family come to meet him. And I wish I had the items that touched his body, that hold his smell, and that remind me of our time together.
With the help of some incredible volunteers, we have been making and donating blankets for micro-preemie sized babies who didn’t get to stay. Beckett’s Blankets come in a bundle of two, one that can stay with the baby and one that the parents can take home with them. They have been made with an incredible amount of love, to hopefully give families a little bit of comfort in the midst of their indescribable pain.
If you’d like to get involved with Beckett’s Blankets, by sewing blankets, donating for materials, or reaching out to your local hospital to see if they’d like some blanket donations, please contact us at firstname.lastname@example.org.